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What happened to me??

What celebrity would you consider changing your sexual identity for?

What a stupid, retarded question.
If there's any celebrity you would "change" your sexual identity for, then you obviously don't need to, it means you already like them.

So, needless to day, none.

I know I've been awful at even updating this... but it's just that I've been so ashamed of myself and my lack of will that I can't stand coming here, 'cause it's a reminder of what a failure I am.

Today I stumbled upon a few -very- old entries and... they made me feel worse about myself. Just reading them made me realize how much my mentality and attitude has changed since then.
I know I've said it before, but it's just that I used to be so good at this!!
I was so commited!!! I counted every single calorie I ingested, and I even saw a difference between the rest of the people and "us".

Here a few bits of some entries I did around 2003:

"My fast didn't go all that well, but no too bad either, I had:
400 grams of Jicama (http://aggie-horticulture.tamu.edu/plantanswers/vegetables/jicama.html) which are 157 cal.
and 600 ml of Coke, which are 246 cal."

"Today it was pretty much ok too, I had:
300 grams of Jicama -again- which are 117 cal.
and 400ml of Coke, which are 168 cal."

Here some bits of conversations I used to have with Kate, my fasting buddy:

ME: well, at the beginning I didn't ate anything, but this week I had 600ml of Coke (246 cal) and 250 grams of 'jicamas' (remember I told you about them?) which are vegetables, and have like 39cal each 100 grams. 


I just had a 'crisis', I opened a cupboard and saw we have all kinds of chips and stuff ~_~!!
ME: but thankfully I didn't give in
peRil et paniQue: oh my god
peRil et paniQue: i'm sooooo fucking hungry
peRil et paniQue: i've come real close to giving in
ME: me too ~_~!
peRil et paniQue: but i haven't. thank gosh
ME: yeah, I know what you mean
ME: just.
ME: hold on there
peRil et paniQue: i'll try =\


ME: I hate when people just don't understand it
peRil et paniQue: haha i know what you mean
peRil et paniQue: what happened?
ME: my 'friend' Adam. I told him about how I almost give in and he started talking about food and all of that, like... trying to break me and make me eat, and he was talking about chocolate and stuff
ME: and I know it maybe was a joke for him, but he just doesn't get what it means for us
peRil et paniQue: i know
peRil et paniQue: its not funny for us =\
ME: no, it isn't

Just reading that again, and I feel like crying.

What happened? What happened to me?? When did I stop caring, stop feeling so guilty over eating??
I still do of course, but not all the time, like before.
Before just the thought of eating a bowl of cereal made me feel guilty, ashamed and made me want to cry.

I wanna go back to the way I used to be, please.

I wish I still had Kate. We would support each other through our crisis and be there for each other. But I lost contact with her, and even though I've tried to reach her again, she just seems to have vanished.


Quite impossibly, it seems that up to last week, I lost another 6 pounds. I cannot believe it.
'Cause up until then, I did nothing, I swear.

Since then I've dropped another two pounds, but those I can explain.
I've been having problems with my boyfriend, University, and mum, so... here comes the nasty part: last week I got sick with...digestive problems.

And while I'm really not into laxatives for all the damage they do, whenever I happen to get sick 'naturally' I do all I can to stay that way for longer 'cause it's an easy and fast way to lose weight.
Yeah, you feel like crap, but it's not like you feel you're dying.

So while I'm not super happy, I am glad.
On Saturday I noticed using my 'normal' jeans (the bigger I've ever used) wasn't an option anymore 'cause they kept falling off, so I tried another pair that hadn't fitted me in the longest time and was shocked to see the do fit now.

And even better, since that day I must have lost another pound or so, 'cause now I can even pull them down without unbuttoning them.

But I'm scared. I'm scared all the weight will come back suddenly and I'll end up feeling even worse. Or even that the weight loss will stop and I'll be so used to it I'll feel like shit and a failure.
This last option is bound to happen sooner or later, and I'm terrified of that moment.


Today I posted these two secrets and was surprised when I got rather nice responses to them.

I really didn't expect people to get them, specially the second one, but most people did.

Also I have to admit it's more than a tad hypocritical, but whatever.

And the first one... I would NEVER dare tell that to anyone IRL, I hate just to imagine what would they think of me.

Other than that I've been bad, not doing anything at all to solve my problem. **sigh**


I resolved something today.
I'm going into full ana mode soon.

I looked and found my old ana bracelet and I was not only surprised that I still had it, but also that it still fit my gross fat wrist.

I'm also decorating it a little.
I'm writting "ANNE" on it to remember while not being too obvious. It'll also be a reminder for something else I wanna achieve.

I've been away from this entire....scene for so long that I'm not even sure if they still use the bracelets and if someone will recognize it.

Back in the day, when there were far fewer communities, and the pro-ana sites hadn't caugh any media attention we were pretty serious about it and communities were a real place for support. But from what I've seen so far, now comms are filled with 13 year old emos who only look for places to get attention, when in fact they know they are skinny.

Hopefully I'll find a nice ana site and comm. soon.



Can't believe how long it's been since I posted here....

Anyways, it seems I somehow did lose weight.
14 pounds, according to my Psychiatrists'  scale.

Fan-fucking-tastic. Only a million more to go.
Now, I am glad, but it's just... I wish this was faster. But then again it can't really be if I keep shoving food into my mouth like a fucking pig, can it?


Could it possibly be?

Well, it seems that in spite of how I've been eating, somehow I've managed to lose some weight.
Not much, but a little, which is something.

A pair of jeans that used to be quite tight around the waist now are pretty lose. I can even pull them down without undoing the button now :S
And another pair that was quite lose already, is literally falling off. If I so much as place my keys in one of the pockets and start walking, and don't pull it up every 20 seconds, it will end up around my knees eventually.

I really don't get it, how it happened, but whatever. I'm not complaining.
Maybe it's the washing machine stretching the clothes or something, 'cause I can't possibly have lost any weight. Not with the way I eat.

So much for my will...

I'm supposed to be dieting.

Yet I'm not, I'm eating like the fucking disgusting pig I am.

But the fact that people (well, mother really) believe I am, and that I'm hiding to eat, makes me feel ten times more disgusted and sick than usual at myself every time I put something over 50 cal in my mouth.

And the worse part is that I can't even bring myself to throw up afterwards. Even when I do have the opportunity.

GOD!! What will it take to find my resolve again??


Just my luck

I'm so frustrated right now. I managed to get my hands on these pills that reduce your appetite considerably, from what I've been told.
Yet, I can't take them, 'cause I might die :D
Seriously, my shrink looked them up in her... drugs encyclopedia (or w/e it's called) and it said they could 'cause me heart damage if I take them now and even 'cause death.
So either way, I'm fucked.
**sigh** I'm doing pretty badly. How on earth am I supposed to lose weight like this??

Today at university, after eating over half of my fruit, I pushed it away and a -thin- friend told me "You eat very little, don't you S?" Ughhh. Comments like that make me feel like shit, 'cause they only remind me of how much I am actually eating (if she only knew) and I feel even more guilty about it.
But it seems I can't get a hold of my appetite. Or rather, my will.

Trying to find myself again...

 I'm not overweight. Not even fat. I'm morbidly obese.
And I'm not happy or at least 'ok' with it. I hate every second of it and every inch of myself.

I need to lose weight and I need to start doing so NOW.
Yet for the last few days I've been trying to moderate what I eat and I just can't seem able to do it.
I used to be able to go on with less than 300 calories per day for weeks on, and now I can't even cut it down a little????
How did I use to do this before??? Why wasn't it so hard??? Where did all of my will go???

I can't even bring myself to throw up anymore.
I just go into the bathroom and stare at the toilet, trying to find it in me.... I know it's the wrong approach. I know you must not think about it, just do it.

Please, please, come back.